Wowee. I don't blog. Ah well.
I guess life is just looking up for me.
I don't think I'll ever be truly like COMFORTABLE in the way things are going but now I guess it's the most stable. No friend drama, and family drama is a minimum.
School ended. Fabulous report card. Whatever. I'm pissed I missed the 90% average by just ONE percent because of lousy math. Ugh. Like math is my lowest mark at 72%, but then my next lowest mark is an 86%, I mean that's pretty good. Go me. I'm just excited for next year.

    Steph failed math. Again. She's doing it in summer school. That means 3rd times the charm for gr 11 math? That's just sad. She's lobbying for a Blackberry which I say is bullshit since she has NO USE for one. And my Mom said if she gets a good mark in summer school math she can one. Which just riled me up. That's like REWARDING her for failing TWO TIMES. I can't stand the double standard. It's funny. I was protesting it saying if I just got a 50something% in math next year, my Mom would be SO MAD at me. Then if I pass it in summer school she wouldn't give me a BLACKBERRY. She'd just be like good job. Go study now. When I said that my Mom was like look. There's different expectations between you two.
    I can't help but feel so frustrated with the different expectations. I've always set really high expectations for myself, which is obviously expected. But in the end I get punished if I don't hit them, even though what I attain is much more impressive than any "high expectation" by Steph.

    Whatever I should be really used to this anyways. So. I want to go to Kenya. I am SO determined. I just need my Mom to finally understand and let me go. There are so many reasons why I want to go, yet whenever she just goes WHY do you want to go? I'm speechless. Perhaps my reasons are just too personal to me. But I can't wait to go. It'll be the first step I take in truly learning about the developing world.

    But my Dad is in town. I haven't seen him since like February. I finally ordered a new Macbook and iPod, which is well deserved. I've been promised both of them since like December. First for good first term report card, then good second term report card, than winning the schools writing contest, then winning the science award in school although that's nothing to brag about considering I'm in applied, then good third term report card ahahaha. Seriously I kinda felt bad when we ordered it since the bill was friggin HIGH but I've been waiting forever and my current laptop + monitor concoction looks like it's about to combust on me.

    It was really weird.... I was talking to him today and he was just like "Do you want to move back to Vancouver?" And I was like "No..." And he's like "Why not?" And I said "I like Toronto more. It doesn't rain." And he's said "But you were born in Vancouver. You must want to move back." Kay Dad like that is actually a reason?! I'm sure all my friends who fled Kuwait really want to go back there just because they were born there. But I replied saying "Yeah.... But I was raised here..." and he kinda just got saddened and I felt bad for saying that. He just kind of was like "Somehow your Mom and I just made a mess with this. It shouldn't have happened. You should have stayed in Vancouver. I wish it didn't happen but... I guess it's all in the past and we can't do anything about it now. But I still wish it didn't happen"

    I don't really know what he was saying. I didn't want to go "You cheated. You left us for someone else. We moved to get away from you." I can't really put all that guilt on him and say stuff like "This "mess" could have been easily avoided if you could just manage to uphold your wedding vows" or "It's all your fault". I used to dream about saying things like that to him, and I sometimes still wonder how saying "It would have been nice if I had a Dad growing up" to him would feel but I can tell he really hates how he wasn't there. It's so weird. I spend like ten years being so angry at him and always thinking about the day I could tell him he was a horrible father to Steph and I, but just a day can pass and I feel sorry for him for him feeling sorry. Does that make sense? Maybe I just feel bad that, in general, a father missed out on watching two of his children grow up.

    But I still have just thoughts wondering if it means he either regrets leaving us or just... not being around us. His marriage right now is rocky but I don't know. I bet he probably just regrets the fact he didn't push harder to get us to stay in Vancouver, although I want him to regret leaving Mom. Ahahahha I'm such a bitch but seriously I bet we're better than his other family. I remember when Steph and I were in his office and he was in the washroom and Steph was like COME QUICK LOOK AT HOW UGLY HIS FAMILY IS. Like all 3 of his kids are "interesting" looking. Except the youngest one looks cute but he's like 4 soooo... Who knows how he'll turn out. Yeah we're bitches. But we're allowed to hate them. Immature whatever but if Meredith Grey can hate Lexie Grey for the same reasons, it's fine.

    But anyways, I'm really excited for next year. I can feel the changes within me! Not really. I can just feel like I'm becoming BETTER as like... a person and just in everything. It's great. I don't remember a time where it's been so chill.

I'm really peeved at my family. I'm so tired of doing EVERYTHING.

We used to have a housekeeper, and we let her go since my Mom thinks my sis and I are old enough to live without her. I am, but like seriously I'm doing EVERYTHING and I want to slap someone so badly. My sis is the most lazy person I've ever met, she fucking complains about her life, how she's so misunderstood, how it's not her fault she can't wake up and go to school, how she can't go to bed before 4am, how she's soooooooooooooooo emotionally messed up from the divorce.. Get a grip. She's fucked up her own life. She's so damn spoiled, and it PISSES me off how my Mom doesn't know how to parent her. My Mom tells me to lay off her, because "she's improving" but wtf how is she improving. WOW she has a 61% average! WOW! A 61% average in a REPEAT YEAR? Or perhaps yay she's not out with her old group of her friends? It's because she's a whore and they don't want her near them anymore. I'm so fucking tired of everyone pitying her and telling me it's "inconsiderate" how I treat her. I'm the only real one with her. Everything is so fucked up, like why should I be proud that she has the INTENTION of going to school? I don't give a damn about intentions. They're as valuable as empty promises. What do we do when Robert Pickton says he didn't INTEND to kill 50 women? Or George Bush not "intending" to ruin the Middle East? They did it anyways. It's like my sister "intends" to go to school, "intends" to be a better person. I really don't give a damn because she ISN'T DOING IT. My dentist isn't going to be happy when I say I intend to floss everyday, but actually don't.

I'm tired of everyone just being so optimistic with her. I'm still in the background with everything. I'm the one not fucking up, I'm the better one in my family, yet no one cares. Does my Mom really wonder why I'm always in my room? Because I'm talking to my friends, the only people who don't continuously two-face with my sister. I'm tired of my Dad only coming to visit, where we only see him for about 6 hours, and all he does is talk to my sister. I mean I'm fine with not being in the center of attention.. If my Mom can't talk to me because she's too busy sitting alone thinking about my sister, fine. If my aunts and uncle's want to ask me how my sister is doing instead of asking how I am, fine. But I'm just tired of everyone looking me over. Like I know they all know I'm the "good" child or whatever but still. I'm so sick of everything.

My Mom is just pissing me off. Sorry your life SUCKS and yeah you deserved a better life, but suck it up. Realize you have a sane daughter, who's barely ever fucked up in her life. Stop dumping all your emotional crap onto me. I don't care that your life is why you question God. I don't care when you constantly ask if there really is a God, because if there was one why did he give you this life. I don't care. Partly because you never let me experience religion, therefore I don't know a thing about God. Take your life for granted. Realize that you and your other daughter wallow in self-pity too much. Don't complain about being a single mother. You could've gotten remarried. You rejected the marriage proposal that could've gotten you remarried. And don't blame me for it. Saying you didn't get remarried because you had kids and didn't know if he was a good father? Blame yourself.

I'm just sick of doing everything. My Mom and sis are always "too tired" to do the dishes. So I'm not?? I waste an hour of my night cooking dinner and then cleaning it up, not to mention the like 30 minutes I use to eat it. And yet.. My marks are higher than first term... Too bad my sis is too much of a brat to do anything.. Yet her marks are staying steady at 61%........

My life does suck.

Finally Christmas vacation is coming.
Too much crap is happening.
I basically cut my so called best friend out of my life. And cut her best friend out too.
She's so desperate to be popular. So desperate that she'll do anything. Even make herself look like a pathetic fool. I guess it's no reason for me to be angry at her, it's just I'm tired of people who have popularity as their number one goal. She's been a crap friend to me too. I realized when I decided our friendship was over, it didn't even make a difference on my life. I never saw her, never talked to her much or never hung out with her before the whole thing started. The only thing different now is I don't wave to her in the halls nor do I bus home with her. Whoopdeedoo. I think I'll survive this.

She'll never even be "popular". You know that thing that all the popular people have? Just that personality trait? I know I sound stupid saying this, like those people who analyze popularity, but whatever. She doesn't have that personality trait. And it doesn't matter that she scorned her old best friend who has talked so much shit on her that all the "popular" people don't even like her. And her act of stupidity has just made her a bigger tool in their eyes.

I wish I could go up to her and say "You're an ordinary girl. You'll never party like your brother. You're not that type of person so embrace it. People talk crap on you everyday and you're oblivious to it. Reorganize your priorities and fix up your personality. Then maybe I'll talk to you again"

This is high school right? Maybe we're just growing apart. We're all changing into different people and I've been branching out with other groups of people [coincidentally, the people she wants to be friends with]
"Breaking up" with her has ousted me from my primary group. They're still my friends, just she's marked her territory with them, getting dibs on them for Friday nights and crap like what. Whatever. Out of 7 people in my "group" I only like 2 of them. Technically 3 but I never see one of them.

I'm better off anyways. I no longer have to feel guilt for ditching my group for my other friends.

Everything's just stressing me out. I'm not sleeping enough, school is hectic, and this so called lame friend high school drama is making me so fatigued. My lymph glands are swollen and it's making me feel like shit.

Plus in dance we did 45 minutes of jumping, which has ended in horribly sore legs.
So I can't really move my neck, nor can I bend my legs without pain.
FUN WEEKEND.

A week and half. And I'm gone on a plane for winter vacation.

Finally.
Plus my presents are going to rock this year.

I feel like I'm high. Reality doesn't seem real to me. My Mom kicked my sister out.
Well technically.
I don't know anymore.
I wake up to the yelling of my Mom. Something nearly common every morning now due to the fact my sister refuses to wake up.
Then they just kept going on and on.. My sister then refused to get ready quickly.. They just started yelling at each other for 10 minutes.. Then my Mom just slapped my sister for swearing at her. More fighting. Then my Mom comes downstairs, takes my sister's phone and cigarettes, screams at my sister to get out, to be gone by the time she gets home from work, tells me to get in the car and then we left.
She dropped me off at the subway station and I'm still reeling from shock, so I call my best friend, start sobbing and talking to her for a good 30 minutes.. Then after she made me feel better I left for school where I was on the verge of crying nearly the whole day.
Like I know it sounds like no big deal, my Mom kicking my sister for not waking up, but that wasn't the reason. The tension between them has been getting thicker and thicker for weeks. I'm just so sick of the flighting and everything.

I don't get why my family is so freaking dysfunctional. I don't get it. I don't understand how my sister is so fucked up. It's really not that hard to just go to school.

I'm under so much stress, school and family stuff.. But I don't know it seems like the way I deal with stress is I ignore it, get lazy and sleep more. I can't wait for the next 2 weeks to just finish.. Everything is killing me.

I just feel like I'm living in a dream and about to wake up.

Other than that, I'm still wanting to go to Kenya. Neither of my parents are wanting to let me go. I don't get why. They don't want me to see the world, to get a taste of what half of our world lives, to get a real reality dosage.. I just feel like I need to go, my life is getting wasted. I want to go so badly. Nothing will stop me though. I'm going. The "consequences" that may or may not happen won't scare me enough to make me decide not to go. The experience is too much to pass up.

I seriously feel like I'm just floating and I'm about to wake up.
I don't get my life. I'm a frickin living cliche.

I've never been so thankful for sleep.

Everything's crazyy.. Ugh. DECA is intense. I have no fucking clue how I'm going to manage to study a whole damn textbook in a week.

Model UN is mehh. I'm excited to go, and hang out with my friends, except it'll be sooooo awkward with having both my closest friends there as they hate each other.. Plus I have to write an essay and I haven't even started the research.

But whatever. I'll worry about it when it comes. I have DECA and clothes shopping for Model UN to think about lol. But I don't know it just feels like there's so much tension with my friends and that there's an fight just hovering nearby.

Anddd speaking of fighting.. My house is like a jail. The nonstop fighting between my Mom and sister is getting ridiculous. It really picked up last week and it's like I'm waking up to the sound of yelling, and falling asleep to it too. It's just like arghhhhhhhhhhh. I'm nearly expecting my Mom to just tell my sister to leave. Like my Mom has done it 2 times before, but in the end she let my sister stay.

Everything is just bullshit. I can't help but laugh everytime my sister goes out to smoke.She says she's under a lot of stress? Does she even know she brought it on herself? She chose her own lifestyle, she chose being a whore, the drugs, the booze.. the everything. She chose it all.

I'm just so tireddd. So much school work, Model UN, DECA.. family, friends.. I don't have time to sleep anymore.

I sound really self-centered when I say this, but this can't stop grating on my nerves.

I have 2 circles of friends. One group is my closest friends and I hang out with them more than the other group, which is one of the popular groups in my school. In my group with my closest friends, there's this one girl who I consider a friend. I've pretty much never had a deep conversation with her and we talk about like reality TV and that's like it lol. But her and my best friend are EXTREMELY close.

Thing is I swear she wants to be me or be my best friend or SOMETHING. I never noticed it, I just thought she liked the same stuff as me, but I was talking to a friend of mine- "R" and we were talking about who we didn't like and M told me she didn't like that "MB" because MB "sucks up" to me. I was like uh what? And R was like "Do you ever notice in conversations when you say you like something suddenly MB likes it too? Or you want us to watch a show, listen to a band or something and only MB agrees to it? Do you notice MB ALWAYS agrees with you? Or when you need someone to defend you when you're wrong, MB's the only one who does it?" I was just like ...wow I never realized.

Now I REALLY realize. I can't stand it now. I have a class with MB everyday and lunch with her half of the week, and I'm like so on the verge of snapping at her and telling her to get a personality.

I talked about this to my friend "S" [whos in the "popular" crowd and friends with none of my close friends] and she then pointed out 2 more girls who imitate me. I now can't stand being near them which sucks since they're all friends with my closest friends so I'm forced to hang out with them. It's so demented. Like we were discussing like Seventeen Magazine or something and I was like that magazine sucks. And MB was like "But I love it!!" and I was like "Okay it's still a crap magazine.." and then MB was like "Oh maybe I'll stop reading it?" I was like in my head "Seriously. What. The. Fuck. I. Control. Someones. Mind. What. The. Fuck."

It's so funny though. S was like "Why are you surprised? Of course your friends would want to be you. You're the most popular one in your group. Everyone you know likes you. You're the only one in your group to has another group of friends. WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO BE YOU?" Then I was like k i love you.

lol It's just not fair I get this for being popular! hahahah
But seriously. MB is the worst clone of me. I have 2 other girls who try to be my best friend and it's irritating after a while. It's weird.. My original group had 7 people. It's become 14. I'm only friends with like 7 or 8 of them haha. I feel like I'm separating from them.

But I won't bother focusing on that.. I'm So frickin excited for the model UN conference. 2 days off.. 3 nights with my friends.. Hanging out in Quebec.. What else do I want in the middle of November? :P

I feel so lazy nowadays. Life's getting hectic again and I've just not been in the mood to get back in the swing of things.

Last week was all Andrew drama. I turned him down....... And I felt really bad. But like what did he expect? I'm already juggling 2 groups of friends who don't like each other as it is. If I dated him I'd have to hang out with his group.. And juggling 3 is just way too much. Plus I don't even like his friends that much. Or him for that matter.

It was just funny he thought I'd even consider him.. He backstabbed my 2 best friends.. Hahah. Good way to get me.

Model UN applications were due on Friday. I really hope I make it in. Blah. I spent hours working on it so if I don't make it I'm going to be steamed. Everyone is like assuring me I'm going to make it..... But there's so many people who applied who are smarter than me so I just don't know. We go on a trip to the debate, so yeah that's why I joined lol. I just want to get awayyyyyyyyy. I'm so sick of everything already.

I've talked to a couple of my sister's old friends and it's so weird.. They're all talking about universities, how excited they are, how much they're working their butts off to get in, and I'm just like whoa.... This could've been my sister. If only she had stuck with them she wouldn't be looking at an extra year of high school. Seeing her just like makes me know I'm not going to be like her. I don't know.. Recently I've been thinking about my future and I really want that rich life haha. I was looking at real estate in downtown and I've fallen in love with this townhouse. It's asking price is 2.88 million but I LOVE it. Like I can actually see myself living in something like that when I'm like starting and establishing my career.
I'm just wondering if I can pull it off. I've been thinking maybe I should go to Rotmans at U of T for my BBA and MBA but it's the best business school in Canada.. And it requires a 95 average lol. Maybe I'll just get my MBA there instead.. But I should stop daydreaming since that's so faraway.

I was talking to my friend while we were skipping last period and we were just hanging out in Second Cup talking about our life. We started talking about our families and we both related to each other. I don't know, it's cool having a friend who doesn't come from these perfect families I find in all my friend's houses. Her brother was born really premature and he's gone in and out of the hospital ever since he was born and she doesn't complain, but she always feels like she's overlooked because he requires so much attention. It's the same with me, except my sister isn't handicapped, she's just stupid.

But talking to her made me realize like.. Last year could repeat itself this year.. Because she thought her brother was improving, but he has another surgery he HAS to have and there's always that chance something could go wrong and he'd be back in the hospital. She said he hasn't been to a hospital in a year, but before he's been in and out for his whole life. Same with my sister.. She's gotten better recently, but what if she goes back to the way she was? Last year was so fucking hard, I'd do anything to not relive it. Like she's been better, but I keep seeing her old habit's popping up. I don't know if I could redo it, hearing yelling all the time or my Mom crying, or all the phonecalls from my Dad where I could just hear the guilt on his voice. Or going to bed on a Wednesday night and be woken up at 3AM when my sister attempted to sneak back in.. Or those days where my sister didn't come home for 3 nights in a row. Everything made me stronger, but having it happen again would just make me supernatural.

I haven't been eating normally, like I've just eat lunch but I barely eat anything at dinner. My Mom isn't noticing but meh.. I feel a lot more weak recently but I don't think I'm losing weight. Well. I don't really like looking at myself in mirrors nor do I like scales much so I wouldn't be able to tell if I'm losing weight. I don't know why I'm not eating a lot.. I've just not been in a hungry mood. I think my frailness is coming from my lack of sleep though. I am sooo ready for Christmas vacation. Or any vacation for that matter. Pfft on Mondays I'm already yearning for the weekend.

I feel myself distancing so much from my old friends and been hanging out more with my newer ones.. It's really not my fault, but it's just I see my new ones a lot more. Plus I hate to say, but they're way more fun and interesting. Like I almost feel a fight coming on between me and my "best friend". It's really not my fault though.. Her and one of our friends pushed me out and they're like best friends. It's so weird feeling like an outcast, I'm not in on any of their inside jokes and stuff but whatever.. If it happens I'll just walk away.

Oh how I love ranting. I needed this.
I can't wait until time goes faster. I'm ready for 12th grade and just getting ready for the real world.

Ack.
Yay. I got asked out. SUCKS it was a guy I have no interest in.
I feel really bad.. He liked me a year ago and I thought he long stopped... He was borderline stalker and it obviously creeped me out. But we've been friends now  ever since so blah blah blah
So he comes up to me and he's like we need to talk, I'm like uuuuuuh okay. And he just like blurts out "I like you". And the first thing I said was "..AGAIN?!" HAHAHA I can't stop laughing whenever I think of that. Except after that the most cheesy line courtesy of him "I never stopped"
I had no clue how to react to that so I was like ............AW HOW CUTE?
It was SO awkward. He looked like he was expecting something but I was still like ...wtfwtfwttttttffffff in my head so I just was standing there staring at him and I actually said AWKWARD like 3 times. After a bunch of exchanges similar to "...okay......." "okay.." "...AWKWARD" I looked like I wanted to leave and he was like "okay.... [for the gazillionth time] bye"
And I was like uh okeydokey BYE and ran back to my friends and he's like "THINK ABOUT IT" right before I left.
Good thing he left, because I probably would've been like "think about what?"
Gah. I wish he wasn't so like WEIRD. Like he got his good looks, but he has no personality.

It just sucks since if I reject him...... I've just lost a friend.
I wonder how obvious it'll be  that I'm avoiding him when I literally run the other direction when I see him.

EEEK I've never had a really "embarrassing" moment. But now I got one. One hour ago- I'll set the story. I was walking with my friends, holding my Versace sunglasses, and I walked over the school boundaries. The boundaries are marked by a chain being hung between 2 rods like 2 metres across. I walked over the chain. My foot caught on. I FELL FLAT ON MY FACE. In front of 100 people. Like I was standing straight.. then BAM i flipped straight 90 degrees. And I didn't notice any pain or anything, I just looked at my sunglasses and wanted to cry when I saw that I chipped a bit of the lens. :(
I'm still so embarrassed. Ugh. I fell and I made this HUGE noise because of my bag. Everyone was staring at me. And SO many people were there since that's the smoker area. It was like a moment of silence when I fell and EVERYONE was staring at me with the same expression and I was like so mortified. I hate myself for not laughing more. I kinda laughed but I wish I started like laughing my ass off just so people wouldn't be like wtf??
It was really funny though since these 2 stoner guys came up to me and were like uuuuuh yoo you okay? EVERYONE LOOK AWAY! SHES OKAY! And then they were like here we'll shield you from everyone, just hide behind our sweaters. Hahah it was weird and then after my friend was like 10 metres away from me came up and was like "BABE! I'm walking and all I hear is this big SPLAT from so faraway! Are you okay??" I was like omg. death.
But it was funnier when my friend was like hahahha good job wearing short shorts. Those stoners only came over because of that.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Oh well. K from NOW ON it will not affect me. It's weird my biggest regret is not laughing so much lol

But anyways I've come to the conclusion I'll start joining clubs. I'm joining DECA WOOT. Yay business clubs.............. And I'm going to try out for Model UN. I'm only going because I want to go to their trip to Montreal hahah but the applications are intense.. Like "What politician do you admire and why? "What role do you think the UN is playing and what role do you think they will have in the future?" "What worldy cause would you like to advocate and why?"
Damn it's as intense as writing some essay for an english midterm. But I hope I make it. It'll look really good for me and also I just want to TAKE A TRIPPPP

Ah I have to go do my homework.
My vow isn't working. I'm still dying of embarrassment.

I needed motivation and shit for SAP since it's a gr 11 course, I'm in gr 10 and this will go on my transcript. But done! Steph failed SAP last year. She's retaking it this year. We have the same teacher but we're in different classes. BUT same teacher = same tests, same projects.... If I can get better marks than her, I can finally be like "HAH biatch I'm better. Drugs are bad kthxbye"

Like this is seriously going to be my biggest goal. Beating her. Odds are against me since she knows I'm working to get a better mark than her and she'll probably try and make sure I don't get a higher mark than her but it's okay if I don't get a higher mark since she already took the course and this course is for people a year older than me, but if I do succeed, she has nooooo excuses.
 I just get so excited over the thought. =P

School is really awkward. I wonder if this year will be like last year... And I won't make any new friends until like the last half of the year hahah. Like math has annnooooooying people but whatever it's math, I don't need friends there. English is fab. Science is fab. Comm. tech is boring as hell but got a friend there so good stuff. Dance is very very awkward..... Got acquaintances but no like real friends there... BLAH. Civics/Careers is AWKWARD too. I'm in the middle of the popular crowd and yeah I'm on good terms with everyone there it's just awkward listening to EVERY STORY starting with "soooooo I was like sooooo high". History I sit with my "friend" who I barely knew and now I realized why she doesn't have a bunch of friends, especially in the art program [which she's in and in there, they're the most outgoing and nice people around school]. Biatch can't stop trashtalking. Like I thought I did it a lot but no..... She excels me by 39284%. And SAP. Oh SAP. I always come to class late so I'm always sitting with a random person lol. But I got my friends in there.

Ugh. I'm ready for summer again.